A difficult time in my life

A few days back I wrote about what I miss, and I let you all know it was my dad.  Man I miss him, more today than I feel I ave ever missed him, and it's been ten years since he passed away, or will be ten years in December.

That whole year, in retrospect, was filled with difficulties with my dad, but also a lot of really weirdly positive things.  We will start with the good, I met my husband, got this new job that I found I was really good at, met some great people at work, I really felt like life was settling down and this was the first time Red Deer began to feel like a home and not just a stopping point. I also travelled a lot this year and that was phenomenal, being able to go on trips with my good friend and do something that I sort of missed in University because I was a mom and went to school in the summer all the time. 

Some back story, my dad had been sick for a long time, he'd been in and out of the hospital, was on oxygen, and steroids and in the last ten years of his life had struggled to accept his situation, I don't know that he ever did.  He always wanted me to come down to take care of him, but I would always tell him that logistically it would be tough unless he was compensating me monetarily, because I couldn't move down to just be his nurse.  I know this seems selfish, but I wasn't saying if something happened I would never come to be with him and to help him, I was just saying to be living with him long term that wasn't going to be feasible for me.

This was the year my dad told me he was getting remarried. REMARRIED!!!! After 27 years of dating but never settling back down this was shocking, and then he told me who he was going to remarry and how he 'met' her.  Apparently, my maternal grandfather had come down to California with his new wife and brought my dad a bunch of pictures.  These pictures were of young (younger than I was) Filipino girls and they told my dad to pick one.  This was how he 'met' his wife, so then they started up a relationship and in April that year my dad flew to the Philippines to marry this girl.

I had HUGE reservations, because of her age, my dad's wealth, and I really felt my dad was being taken advantage of, and my dad wouldn't see it.  I was also upset because I had let him know I was coming to California and that was when he was leaving for the Philippines and he knew I was coming before he booked his trip, so I really felt my dad was being naive and not really seeing what was going on.  And no one could talk to him about it, he felt we were all trying to stand in the way of his happiness, but really we just wanted him to be sure and to know her true intentions.  I told my dad through email at one point I was concerned she was just going to be after his money.  He told her and she emailed him back saying that no she didn't want his money she loved him and just wanted to get to the States and be with him.

They ended up getting married in the Philippines, but we in the states never saw a marriage license and then my dad spend from May until October trying to get her over to the states, but something went wrong with the paperwork.  Then my dad had a massive heart attack, I flew down to California with Chandler and we were with him for two weeks.  He started getting better and he was even moved from ICU into the cardiac ward.  After we'd left I'd talk with Dad on the phone and we were repairing our falling out, I still didn't like that he'd remarried that girl, but I loved my dad, and he was updating his will so that what he wanted was followed should anything happen especially since his marriage.

My first American Thanksgiving!

Unfortunately, the day before his lawyer was coming back out to see him, dad had another cardiac event and slipped into a coma.  He was so far gone the hospital advised us that he would not recover and if he did he'd be in a wheelchair with limited mental capacity.  That was not how my father wanted to live, he used to be a weight lifter and since being set up with this woman had lost 100 pounds, so he was starting to get back to being healthy, which I was thankful for.  The doctors explained his prognosis, his outlook and gave us our options.  After speaking with my aunty, my mom, who was the executer of his will, and my cousins, we all wanted to transfer him to palliative care, to let him live out his last remaining days in dignity, not hooked up to life support.  But his wife wouldn't agree and asked that we keep him alive until she could get to the states, which was only a pipe dream. I don't even think she was trying to get here because whenever I'd talk to her it always sounded like she was at a party or club and she was having a good old time while I was mourning the loss of my father.

So we left him on life support and the days went by, my life was on hold, thankfully my new job was so accommodating to this situation and I didn't loose any pay.  We started getting his affairs in order, putting my mom's name on the house accounts so she could pay bills, canceling visa's and master cards, closing his safety deposit box, withdrawing his stocks.  The day we finished with all that, was a long day of driving and completely exhausting, Dad's house was 30 minutes from the hospital, but we decided to go home for supper, get Chandler to bed then I'd maybe head over to see dad or we'd just wait until the morning.  That night as we were eating supper I realized I'd left my phone in the truck, so after Darlene had left I went out to grab it and noticed I'd had a call from the hospital.

My heart plummeted into my stomach, in that moment I knew, the voicemail was from the social worker and she asked me to call.  I called the hospital and they told me that dad had quietly passed away around the time we were eating supper.  I was completely devastated, I hadn't been there to say good bye, I hadn't gotten my closure and now I was an orphan.  I mean I realize I wasn't a complete orphan, but my dad was gone, the normalcy of my life with my dad would never return.  The guy I was dating had never even got the chance to meet my dad!

December 8th I will always remember, it was a busy day and it was all about doing the things Dad needed us to do before he passed so that when he passed things would be easier.  And they were, they were still hard, but they were easier then trying to do those things after he'd passed. 

In California, it can take up to three weeks for a body to be cremated! It was almost Christmas so we weren't staying that long, we set his memorial to happen in the New Year and from there we'd have his body interned at the same cemetery as his parents.  A decision I now wish I'd done differently, only so that Dad could be closer to us and his grandkids.  So we headed home to Canada on the 10th, it took us three days to get home, we stopped in Jackpot and I won $300 on a penny slot!

That was a quiet Christmas, and I couldn't find the Christmas spirit, it just wasn't happening, but I tried and I think Chandler had an ok Christmas.  After losing my dad I had some severe anxiety over losing my other family members and mom and Chandler drove to Saskatchewan in a blizzard and they were incommunicado for eight hours and I had my first panic attack.  I was beside myself with terror, irrational terror that I was going to lose them too.  My mom didn't have a cell phone she used regularly back then and she had forgot to check in with me but they had made it safe and sound to Saskatoon.

This year, has been the worst year in my life, no other year has come close to sending me on this type of roller coaster of emotions.  The fall out from dad's death, the repercussions of the decisions made in this year spilled over into future years and events and even though it's been 10 years, somedays I still want to pick up the phone and call dad before I realize that my long distance calls look much different now then they did when he was alive.

Thank you for reading this, since this was a very wordy post!

I hope you are all having a wonderful day!