Truthful Tuesday: Further signs of my depression

Yesterday, I blogged about my trip to California, it was a great trip, but I went on that trip because I felt an emptiness in my soul, and I couldn't place where it was coming from.

I felt that maybe I was burned out, maybe I was overly stressed and needed to take a time out.   A time out from my life, and maybe the best way to do that was to go somewhere that was like home, but wasn't my home.

So I looked into flights, and found a cheap one for the fall break down to San Fransisco.  I sent out messages to everyone I knew in San Fransisco area and we made plans to meet up.  It was great to see everyone and I don't regret the trip, not one bit.

While on this trip I had a great visit with so many people that I love, that I connect with on a whole different level. Who I know I can share things about my life with them and there is absolutely no judgement and no suggestions for how I should do things. They only listen and allow me to talk out my thoughts until I find my solution.  But what that trip pointed out for me was that the break was needed, but it wasn't what I was missing. The hole that was forming in my life wasn't from a homesickness that I thought it was from, but I still couldn't place where it was from.

I had really thought it was a homesickness, that I needed a chance to go somewhere and just be me, Jenn. Without any titles of wife, teacher, mother, just Jenn, friend, sister, daughter. I mean I think anyone needs those things, where the demands of your life become overwhelming and so you take a time out, mothers don't do this half as often as I think they should, and if they do there is often a huge guilt they carry around with them and that's not fair because then you can't recenter yourself to be your best self for your family.  And that trip did do something for me, it helped clear out the picture of what was truly going on.

And facing that reality, well that was something else.  I honestly couldn't face it for a few weeks, but now I knew that the emptiness I was feeling was coming from something that was missing a lot closer to home than from missing people far from me.  And the idea of pulling the coverings off the elephant that was standing in my life was frightening because there were so many ways this could change everything about my life.

Right after returning home is the first time I really felt like my life was in a hurricane..... everything was out of control, work life was crazy disorganized, my family life was struggling and where I had once found small joys in my day were very grey.  I needed to get to eye of the hurricane, because I knew, know that things are potentially going to get worse again before this storm passes completely.

Even now as I reflect back on where I was, where I am right in this moment and all the potential paths this journey could take me on, I can see I missed things and I am now forced to decided what I want in my life. What are my non-negotiables? What are things I can deal with? What are things that I expect in my family, relationships and work?

Because I am not going through this to be right where I was and end up back in this situation the next time some stressful event occurs in our lives.  That is just not going to be me... I plan to grow, and to be authentic and transparent about what I need and feel I deserve, but I also expect that from the other people in my life.

So for me, the moodiness, the impatience and that feeling of homesickness, those were all my early signs of sinking into a depression.  And for about 5 months I definitely lived in this zone, and it sucks, it sucks the life out of you the will to thrive, it just sucks.