I envy people that know what their passion is, I think they are the luckiest people on the planet. I envy people more who know what their passions are and are able to make money doing what they love. I don't know that I am one of those people. I am not sure why, but I guess that's the way things go from time to time.
I am trying to figure out what my passions are, I am in my 30s, you would think I would know what they are, but I struggle with that. I grew up in an atmosphere where time is money and money is time, so don't waste either. I don't know why I keep that cliche in my head because all it does is bring me down, but I keep it in my head because I need to make money, and if I don't make money my family will struggle. I can't do something I love if it is going to cause my family to struggle financially or so that we can not enjoy a lifestyle to which we have worked hard to earn.
I went to school for 4 years because I LOVE helping people, helping young people develop their passions. I went into teaching because it was something I thought I would love. I do love it, I love being in the classroom, but I don't love the uncertainty that is in the field of teaching. Until you have that permanent contract, life is always in upheaval. It's the uncertainty, the constant looking for a job that causes me anxiety. Maybe I am not a good teacher, maybe that's why I don't have a full time contract, or maybe I just haven't found the contract that is for me. Or maybe I turned down the contract that I should have taken, and now it's just a struggle looking for that job that will make me calmly happy.
I am sitting in front of my computer thinking about my passions, what passions do I have that I could turn into a job. I have a passion for learning, I love to learn new facts and tidbits of information, it adds and interesting twist to life to always be learning. I love baking, I love reading, I love writing. I love my family.
I make sacrifices for my family, and do things that I don't exactly have a passion for, but I do it so my family can have a better here and now. Is that the right attitude? Should I maybe make the family sacrifice so that we all struggle a bit but we do so because we are working to become passionate about what we do love?? Maybe but I don't think the bank would necessarily like that option.
I could open a restaurant, I could try to become a professional blogger/ writer. I could maybe take some library science courses to become a librarian, or I could stay home with my family and raise my children and open a day home. I honestly feel that I would be good as a day home provider, as long as I could still get out of the house from time to time doing adult activities. I get a bit of cabin fever and to be in the house for any length of time would maybe cause some insanity.
I just hate this uncertainty, it causes me to become depressed, maybe if we don't go away this summer I will try opening a day home and use my earnings to go back to school to take some part time classes. I just know, without a doubt, that I cannot continue on the path that I am on, because it has too many pitfalls, too many dark holes that I am struggling to get out.