Hey I bet you all wondered what happened
Or you didn't because you follow me on Facebook/ Instagram/ Twitter and saw my life there, but I had stopped blogging for a bit.
A lot happened to lead me to make this choice, to stop blogging. Mostly I felt like there was so little in my life that I could actually control and wanted to share, so I just stopped. For me blogging is a public journal, something I do that I want to share with others because I think it will make someone smile, or get people to question things or get a conversation started, I also blog for myself because it's a form of journalling and I need journals in my life.
I am still dealing with my depression, mild as it is, I've found that my depression has really hit home in my writing. I'm working to be more succinct in what I write, not going for the descriptive, maybe you've noticed that as well. Part of it is because I just don't want to go into it, and another part is I'm writing a lot of this much later than when it happened so I'm relying on my memory to ensure I have the most important facts down.
I've found that my depression hits me when I feel misunderstood or the perception people have of me is not the one I want them to have of me, so I am working to make it different but there is a barrier and I am trying to figure out how to breach the barrier.
In work this comes when I am trying very hard to explain things to others but all my suggestions are turned away and there is no conversation with my team teacher and I about those decisions that greatly impact how my class operates. I finally had decided I needed to speak up and to say something because I was at my wits end, and I did. I may not have done things exactly as I should have, but the message came across loud and clear and I finally felt I had a voice and was being heard.
Recently, with a friend we were texting back and forth and I shared with this friend an observation, it was innocent, but maybe it didn't come across that way, but the message I got back from that friend I interrupted in a negative capacity. That friend was not happy with my observation and then we haven't really talked since then. And it's weird to me that I internalized this so deeply because we've had similar conversations before, roles reversed, and I have always told her to do what makes her happy, but be able to live with her decision. That one sucked and it made me take a step back from a lot of people so I became reclusive.
I'd say after my conversation at work I started making more changes, I passed forgiveness out to all I felt I needed to forgive, I had to release my negative feelings towards people no matter what. It does not mean I am forgetting or that things are going back to the way they were, it just means that the perceived wrong, from my perception, is no longer going to cause me to have negative feelings. Does this mean in the future I may have to have some confrontations? Sure, I suppose it does, but they don't have to lead to world war three or anything, they can just be conversations, because maybe people just don't know.
So I am going to take this month and year to blog, to journal and to be assertive in life, but to own what my blog is and hopefully it makes you feel camaraderie, gives you smile, maybe even let's you laugh out loud, but mostly leave with a happy feeling that you spent x number of minutes reading the words I've put on the screen.
A lot happened to lead me to make this choice, to stop blogging. Mostly I felt like there was so little in my life that I could actually control and wanted to share, so I just stopped. For me blogging is a public journal, something I do that I want to share with others because I think it will make someone smile, or get people to question things or get a conversation started, I also blog for myself because it's a form of journalling and I need journals in my life.
I am still dealing with my depression, mild as it is, I've found that my depression has really hit home in my writing. I'm working to be more succinct in what I write, not going for the descriptive, maybe you've noticed that as well. Part of it is because I just don't want to go into it, and another part is I'm writing a lot of this much later than when it happened so I'm relying on my memory to ensure I have the most important facts down.
I've found that my depression hits me when I feel misunderstood or the perception people have of me is not the one I want them to have of me, so I am working to make it different but there is a barrier and I am trying to figure out how to breach the barrier.
In work this comes when I am trying very hard to explain things to others but all my suggestions are turned away and there is no conversation with my team teacher and I about those decisions that greatly impact how my class operates. I finally had decided I needed to speak up and to say something because I was at my wits end, and I did. I may not have done things exactly as I should have, but the message came across loud and clear and I finally felt I had a voice and was being heard.
Recently, with a friend we were texting back and forth and I shared with this friend an observation, it was innocent, but maybe it didn't come across that way, but the message I got back from that friend I interrupted in a negative capacity. That friend was not happy with my observation and then we haven't really talked since then. And it's weird to me that I internalized this so deeply because we've had similar conversations before, roles reversed, and I have always told her to do what makes her happy, but be able to live with her decision. That one sucked and it made me take a step back from a lot of people so I became reclusive.
I'd say after my conversation at work I started making more changes, I passed forgiveness out to all I felt I needed to forgive, I had to release my negative feelings towards people no matter what. It does not mean I am forgetting or that things are going back to the way they were, it just means that the perceived wrong, from my perception, is no longer going to cause me to have negative feelings. Does this mean in the future I may have to have some confrontations? Sure, I suppose it does, but they don't have to lead to world war three or anything, they can just be conversations, because maybe people just don't know.
So I am going to take this month and year to blog, to journal and to be assertive in life, but to own what my blog is and hopefully it makes you feel camaraderie, gives you smile, maybe even let's you laugh out loud, but mostly leave with a happy feeling that you spent x number of minutes reading the words I've put on the screen.
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