Let me tell you about my greatest fear! It's one that if I ever give it any thought I immediately start to cry. It's not heights or spiders its the death of a loved one. It can be anyone that is close to me, friends, family, but especially my children. The thought that one of them could be taken from me through death is heart-stopping terrifying for me. My breath gets caught in my throat, my heart beat increases, my palms sweat and immediately my eyes well with tears. I know that this happens, I know that sometimes it's unavoidable, I know that people live through this nightmare every day, but nonetheless it is still a NIGHTMARE and my worst one!!
So let me tell you a story. This is a story of a dream I had the other day, that terrified me and caused me to sob upon waking. But thankfully it was only that, for I don't at this moment possess the strength to carry me through something like this.
I was in a bungalow and I was walking back and forth. While I walked back and forth from the front room to the back room I was counting my breathing. One, two, three in, one, two, three out. Over and over. Then I started incorporating my yoga breathing, making my exhalations longer than my inhalations, all the while pacing. But the breaths started coming In one, two, three; out one, two, three, four; in one, two, three; out one, two, three, four, five.
While I was pacing something had some type of sensor on it and it would go off and I would hear my voice say 'Ok it's bed time', but I wouldn't wait around in the front room long enough to hear the whole message. All I could think as my shoulders scrunched around my ears was, 'Why on earth did she keep that?' It would infuriate me, so I would have to concentrate on my breathing more. I needed to be calm, I needed to be collected but something significant was missing and I just didn't know what it was.
In one two three; out one two three four five, over and over until my heart rate calmed.
This went on for what felt like an hour. I just continued to pace, noticing my pictures on the wall. Pictures of my boys, just like the ones that are currently hanging in my living room. I finally felt calm enough to try to figure out why whoever this was was keeping that god forsaken noise box.
I went to the front room and the noise box started, it was on a shelf, I went closer and heard myself start again "Ok it's bedtime Leigham, we are going to have a bed time snack, read a Thomas Story, then and song and cuddle and it's lights out." There was a brief pause and he's little voice could be heard saying, "Ok Mommy!"
It was at that moment that in my nightmare I knew he was gone and he was what was missing from my life. I startled myself awake, sobbing and holding Prince T in one arm, I reached my hand to where Lil Man was sleeping as he had crawled into my bed. I felt him take a breath and heard him sigh has my hand stroked his face. I cried harder and said Thank you!! Because that was only a nightmare, it wasn't real life.
I respect anyone who has lived past their children. It is not easy and it's not an enviable position. I know parents have children who are sick and are watching their kids live to die and it breaks my heart, it absolutely breaks my heart. I empathize with all of you out there who have gone through this, I understand why we need to be grateful everyday for what we have because you never know when it could be taken from you!
I don't know how to end this, but I'll end it this way. To me children are a gift from God, we have to cherish them, teach them and love them unconditionally, whether they are our own or someone else's. All children deserve love no matter what!!! I think that's why it upsets me when I hear horrible stories in the news about abused children or about foster kids. I just want to love them all!!