I suck.... but I'm going to be better

For my entire life I've been very good at making plans, starting plans and being able to see the big picture or the long term goal.  I just suck at following through.

I tell myself it is because I have poor self control, poor discipline and I lack motivation to keep working at a goal. 

What horrible negative self talk that is?  It's disgusting and when I see it written down I'm so confused because that is not who I am that person who makes excuses for why I am in the same place I was, the same place I wish to escape from.  That's not me!!!

It's a trap, I mean this self fulfilling prophecy I am creating in my head, it's a trap.  But what am I afraid of?  I think I'm afraid of success.... that is so dumb!! I'm afraid to succeed at my goals, to show everyone exactly what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it.  

For all my life I've watched the story of my family struggle in poverty, struggle with weight issues, struggle with labels, where we weren't supposed to succeed.  We were poor, we lacked morals, we couldn't possibly succeed and become successful.  But that's all wrong!

I mean I've made life harder for myself, I had a child very young, but I put myself through University, I have a 17 year old who is now a wonderful example of a well adjusted teen, I am in a committed relationship that's not always sunshine and roses but it works for us.  But I am successful in that aspect.  

I have two more children that are happy, healthy and compassionate.  I own my own house. I have a car.  

In so many ways I am successful, yet in a few key ways I feel like I am failing not only myself, but my family. I am not being the role model my children need. This is supposed to be the year of me, the year I focus on making me the best me I can be, and yet I'm squandering it away not doing those things I know will help boost my self confidence and self esteem.  That will lead me to being the best version of myself a version of myself that others see and that I will recognize each time I look in the mirror!

Yet deep down the thought of monetary success scares me. I have the ability and tools to be making more money and yet I avoid those tasks like a plague. WHY DO I DO THAT!!???

I say I am going to blog every day and I am good for two days then I just go to bed without following through.... (so dumb). It's hard to get readers if my posts are so varied and infrequent.  I also said I was going to do yoga everyday.... ahahaha  yeah that didn't happen, and I don't know why not because I actually really do enjoy yoga.  

I'm going to start vlogging as well on my youtube channel for this blog. It will be my mini testimonials and hopefully that will increase my readership and viewership. But then it might help me a bit for posting blogs that correlate to my videos and vice versa!

Ok I have to sign off now, it's late I need sleep and I'm going to try to wake up to do a yoga routine before I get ready to leave my house for work!!