Life's Whirlwind Adventures

Or you didn't because you follow me on Facebook/ Instagram/ Twitter and saw my life there, but I had stopped blogging for a bit. A lot happened to lead me to make this choice, to stop blogging.  Mostly I felt like there was so little in my life that I could actually control and wanted to share, so I just stopped.  For me blogging is a public journal, something I do that I want to share with others because I think it will make someone smile, or get people to question things or get a conversation started, I also blog for myself because it's a form of journalling and I need journals in my life. I am still dealing with my depression, mild as it is, I've found that my depression has really hit home in my writing. I'm working to be more succinct in what I write, not going for the descriptive, maybe you've noticed that as well. Part of it is because I just don't want to go into it, and another part is I'm writing a lot of this much later than when it happened s...

I was really starting to feel like my old self.   My husband and I were communicating, work was going well, I didn't feel burdened by outside pressures and things looked like they were coming into focus.  I was able to start looking at my future and I was feeling confident, secure in the way it was heading.  Was I where I wanted to be? Was the journey over? No, but that oppressive, I'm never going to get there feeling had shrunk into a quiet whisper in my head that I could watch say what it was saying and I was feeling detached, like it wasn't me, but some weird movie my head wanted to play and thought I should buy into. Then if you've been reading my other blogs, the Chapter blogs, you will have seen that we've been dealing with my youngest sons walking issues and haven't really known what has been causing it but we were chasing down all possibilities. When I was given his diagnosis, of CMT I thought my heart was going to break.  Guilty thoughts washed ov...

I would say a lot of my feelings were from a longing to feel loved unconditionally and I felt I was missing that so my homesickness and increased desire to see my friends and family had to do with a lack of feeling loved in my own house.  I am in no way saying this is what was happening on my husbands side, but because we had let Silence become a bedfellow in our marriage we couldn't see or hear the others cries for love. This disengagement happened over a long time, and it was both of us.  I am a talker, and I like to talk out problems and I can be a visionary where I see where we need to be but I don't always have a clear path to get there so I tend to just bulldoze my way through.  My husband is more of a thinker, he doesn't always know how and he doesn't like to express his feelings, he likes to think them out and then find a path to a solution.  The problem is I would overwhelm him with my communication and then he would stonewall me and not engage with me a...

I like to spend time in the state of denial.  I like to find other things to blame how I am feeling, saying I'm homesick, that I miss my friends, my family, I need a break from life, that work is stressing me out.  I do, I spend a lot of time in denial, not wanting or not able to address the elephant in the room. By now we are in the Christmas Season, by now we are getting to the most wonderful time of the year,  and yet my Christmas spirit this year was at an all time low.  We do Elf on the Self with our kids, and I just didn't care.  All I wanted was to plan to go to Saskatchewan for part of the Christmas break and have my husband fly out to meet us for New Years. Then our puppy Sasha had to go to the vet, she fell down one morning and wouldn't get up, it was extremely scary.  My husband likes to live in denial about our pets and will often say that we have a lifetime warranty with them, I know it's a joke, but Sasha is nine this year and she's gettin...

Yesterday, I blogged about my trip to California, it was a great trip, but I went on that trip because I felt an emptiness in my soul, and I couldn't place where it was coming from. I felt that maybe I was burned out, maybe I was overly stressed and needed to take a time out.   A time out from my life, and maybe the best way to do that was to go somewhere that was like home, but wasn't my home. So I looked into flights, and found a cheap one for the fall break down to San Fransisco.  I sent out messages to everyone I knew in San Fransisco area and we made plans to meet up.  It was great to see everyone and I don't regret the trip, not one bit. While on this trip I had a great visit with so many people that I love, that I connect with on a whole different level. Who I know I can share things about my life with them and there is absolutely no judgement and no suggestions for how I should do things. They only listen and allow me to talk out my thoughts until I f...

So as you can guess from the title of this post it's not all rainbows and unicorns with roses blooming in the spring. But it's not all bad, and I'm not yet hibernating in my bed because the thought of facing the world is horrendously overwhelming, panic attacks aren't happening, and I can still find laughter and good times with my friends. I'm not in the bottom of the pit of depression, but I am definitely dancing along that pits edges and some days I slip down a ledge and others I pull myself up. So this this and this is what my depression looks like. To an outsider looking in, it actually doesn't look that bad, I blame social media for that.  I feel compelled to post positive things because I do not want people constantly coming up to me wanting to help, I appreciate that they want to help, but I have reached out and gotten support from those I feel I need it from at this point in time. I am in counselling right now, and I am working through t...