Life's Whirlwind Adventures

I was really starting to feel like my old self.   My husband and I were communicating, work was going well, I didn't feel burdened by outside pressures and things looked like they were coming into focus.  I was able to start looking at my future and I was feeling confident, secure in the way it was heading.  Was I where I wanted to be? Was the journey over? No, but that oppressive, I'm never going to get there feeling had shrunk into a quiet whisper in my head that I could watch say what it was saying and I was feeling detached, like it wasn't me, but some weird movie my head wanted to play and thought I should buy into. Then if you've been reading my other blogs, the Chapter blogs, you will have seen that we've been dealing with my youngest sons walking issues and haven't really known what has been causing it but we were chasing down all possibilities. When I was given his diagnosis, of CMT I thought my heart was going to break.  Guilty thoughts washed ov...

It is so important that people find the right supports for them. I will often use my natural support system but I have troubles telling some people my troubles and I really struggled with telling a lot of people in my natural support circle about my troubles. This happened for two reasons, I couldn't or wouldn't identify what I felt was the problem.  My marriage being in a terrible place was devastating, so many things about my marriage seeming to fall apart and me being in a constant state of unhappiness was eating away at me, I didn't want to face it and it seemed shameful that I had let my relationship get this far. That feeling of shame is terrible to have to go through, I wasn't the only guilty party in this, and try as I might I couldn't get my husband to engage with me in a productive manner.  Could I get him to get upset and angry, sure I am good at provoking him, but this is not effective.  I think the other part is, you see people on Social Media and...

Yesterday, I blogged about my trip to California, it was a great trip, but I went on that trip because I felt an emptiness in my soul, and I couldn't place where it was coming from. I felt that maybe I was burned out, maybe I was overly stressed and needed to take a time out.   A time out from my life, and maybe the best way to do that was to go somewhere that was like home, but wasn't my home. So I looked into flights, and found a cheap one for the fall break down to San Fransisco.  I sent out messages to everyone I knew in San Fransisco area and we made plans to meet up.  It was great to see everyone and I don't regret the trip, not one bit. While on this trip I had a great visit with so many people that I love, that I connect with on a whole different level. Who I know I can share things about my life with them and there is absolutely no judgement and no suggestions for how I should do things. They only listen and allow me to talk out my thoughts until I f...

So as you can guess from the title of this post it's not all rainbows and unicorns with roses blooming in the spring. But it's not all bad, and I'm not yet hibernating in my bed because the thought of facing the world is horrendously overwhelming, panic attacks aren't happening, and I can still find laughter and good times with my friends. I'm not in the bottom of the pit of depression, but I am definitely dancing along that pits edges and some days I slip down a ledge and others I pull myself up. So this this and this is what my depression looks like. To an outsider looking in, it actually doesn't look that bad, I blame social media for that.  I feel compelled to post positive things because I do not want people constantly coming up to me wanting to help, I appreciate that they want to help, but I have reached out and gotten support from those I feel I need it from at this point in time. I am in counselling right now, and I am working through t...